Twilight is over, so is 2008

I finished book four of the series last night. It took me 5 days to read the entire series so I think it is pretty safe to say we aren't dealing with foundation shaking literature here.

For anyone who has never read the book but intends to, you should probably stop reading here. In case you are slow that was your spoiler alert.

I knew a lot of the problems with the book going into it thanks to Lori and Papercuts but I turned off the part of my brain that listens to them and decided to judge the book on its own merit. After all they were (sorta) wrong about Eragon.

Lets start with my biggest problem a certain irritating twit named Bella Swan. I actually wished I was a fictional character so I could eat her. I don't even have to be a vampire I would go cannibal just to silence her constant whining. So yeah she is whiny did I also mention she is stupid? How about her serious Daddy issues?

"Oh I'm SO in love with Edward. I love the way he bosses me around, never lets me out of his sight, and sneaks into my house without my knowledge to watch me sleep. It makes me feel so safe and secure and loved." ok that's the end of my swooning Bella impression, but really her psycho vampire boyfriend does these things and she is cool with it. She is everything I hate about female leads. Bella is dependant, whiny, needy, insecure, and helpless and even worse she was created by a woman.

Edward come here a moment please. Surely you didn't think it was only Bella I had issues with. You are my second biggest issue with the piece of fiction. I can get that you don't wanna eat humans and sacrifice to save them. That's cool and even kind of endearing but you are also a psychotic control freak. Any man treated me the way you treated Bella and I would smack him into the next state (or province) with a restraining order. What vampires can ignore them? Well then I guess I would just to have my shape shifting friend deliver the message. Oh and what is with the virgin thing? I mean I get you not wanting to break Bella and all so I can see holding out on her but surely in the 99 years you have been trapped in the body of a 17 year old boy you stumbled across at least ONE promiscuous vampire girl. I mean from what I gathered you are hot enough to melt solid rock and you have women both mortal and immortal throwing themselves at you like groupies and you abstain because? Oh yeah because you are old fashioned .... no wait they had premarital sex back then too hence the gunshot weddings. Sorry you are not a believable character for me either.

NEXT .....................................

With the notable exception of Alice the rest of the coven seems to just stand around and with their turn to be useful to the plot. I mean for three books Rose was about as fleshed out a character as the dining room table.

Now on to the technical side.

You know I can swallow the whole daytime vampire thing as soon as I pointed out to myself that I had made the (IMO inexcusable) mistake of confusing vampire lore with Dracula lore. Yeah Dracula could be destroyed by sun and holy relics and a whole bunch of other things but vampire lore is much older than that and varies throughout the world. Most of us are familiar with the European version so that is what we set all our preconceived notions about vampires by but it is not all there is out there and in much lore they are simply nocturnal the same way an owl is not because they CAN'T go out during the day but because they don't wanna. Why they had to sparkle though is beyond me.

Stephanie Myers writing though is a different story all together. She is NOT a gifted writer and she does not make up for this short coming by being a spell binding story teller. Her story is very linear with many characters being two dimensional until it is their turn to take the spot light. She abuses, the, comma in a , way I haven't, seen since second, grade. For a while I though speech impediments ran rampant in the town of forks. I mean if I put all those pauses in the conversation there was no other assumption to make. well that's not true I could have assumed she lacked technical finesse AND that her editor is an idiot both of which would have been correct. I actually honest to go almost threw the book after reading this

Hey, Edward. Skipping, Bella?

ARGH!!!!!!

Sometimes she changes tenses in the middle of a sentence or from singular to plural. I shut my eyes and shook my head to clear it but the evidence was still there when I was done.

So yeah all that annoyed me but do you wanna know what the worst part was?

I read three full books and part of a fourth (over 600 pages) full of mistakes that a 10 year old would catch. I did my best to swallow that a woman not suffering from munchausen syndrome could seriously fall in love with the vampire stalker. I even did some of my own research so that I could read about a vampire going to school during the day without getting a side stick from laughter.

I did all this for two reason

1. I hoped Bella would eventually get eaten
2. I knew the sex was coming.

Well I was wrong on one *tear* but number two was looking promising. Edward promised to have sex with her while she was human as long as they were married. Like a good little puppet she went along with what she wanted and then came the honey moon. FINALLY this book gets a redeeming quality ------------------------ WTF do you mean it's the next morning? I spent 600 pages in purgatory and I don't get ANY details? How did you get those bruises? What happened to the poor pillows? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SO not fair.

In review:
The book was poorly written.
The characters were unbelievable.
There was no sex.
There was minimal violence.

Since I would hate to end 2008 with THAT literary catastrophe I am reading some Steven King now. "The Dead Zone" has to be better.

Lord of the Star Wars

So a few weeks ago I got Brisinger in the mail. I was NOT impressed despite waiting 2 damn years to read it I had no desire, I blame Lori. Seriously got to figure out how to make typing her name bring you to her blog so people will know EXACTLY who I am blaming.

I loved Eragon and Eldest with a passion normally reserved for uber hot celebrities and she ruined them in one fell swoop with a very simple phrase "lord of the star wars" At fist I backed up against the wall of denial, There was no way I would have missed something that major as the book being a rip off of star wars set in a middle earth style setting, she had to be full of shit. I may be a book whore but I like to think I am a book whore with standards!

****warning spoilers ahead, in fact if you don't want me to give away the entire plot you should stop reading now****

Her words stuck in my craw though , seriously what the fuck is a craw?

craw

   /krɔ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kraw] Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

1.	the crop of a bird or insect.

2.	the stomach of an animal.

—Idiom

3.	stick in one's craw, to cause considerable or abiding resentment; rankle: She said I was pompous, and that really stuck in my craw.

---

Origin:
1350–1400; ME crawe, prob. akin to crag ²

OK so now that I have that bit of Googling out of my system.

I thought about it and thought about it and started to see teh similarities.

When the story starts there is one known dragon rider in the world and he is evil, as well as fucking insane (Vader?) but then a young boy (skywalker) discovers a dragon egg and takes off with an old man from the village who just HAPPENED to be an old dragon rider (ObiWan). The evil dragon rider king Galbitorix controls everything but the varden (resistance) are fighting to overthrow him along with the elves. Eragon (young skywalker) falls in in love with an elf princess (leah anyone) and is trained by another old (freaking ancient) dragon and rider everyone assumes in dead (yoda). At the end of book two we find out that one of the Crazy evil dragon riders is Eragons dad. How did I NOT see the "I am your father" moment coming?

So this was where I was when book three arrived.

I am not one who ever to let words go to waste and since I owned the book I decided to read it. Before I could read it though I had to reread book one and two because I have a weird compulsion that forces me to reread the prequels if there is more than a month between books so that I don't forget any important details, in fact this is the main reason I don't read sequels until they are completely written but I thought this was a two book set when I first bought it.

So I am rereading Eragon and Eldest and discover despite Lori's evil whisperings I STILL like the books. I became engrossed in them again immediately and finished both books in four days and moved on to book three.

I was very impressed as he seemed to move away from the star wars comparisons (at least in so far as my weak Star Wars knowledge was concerned) he went into a lot of detail about HOW Galbitorix had the powers he did and we learned more about his family tree including the fact that his mama was incapable of keeping it in her pants and that Brom (obiwan) and not Morzan (crazy evil dragon rider) was his daddy.

The one down side though was that the book was NOT a trilogy as I had been lead to believe and there is ANOTHER book coming. I will let you all know my final opinion in a few years.

So after rereading I have decided that although Paolini obviously draws on star wars for inspiration and may have in book one and two shown less creative ability than I would have liked the books are still enjoyable and well written with few plot holes and very little left unexplained, there are no sub plots left to wither, and the characters are believable. I can totally wear my Eragon shirt in public with my head held high (now I have to GET an Eragon shirt)