Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Twilight is over, so is 2008

I finished book four of the series last night. It took me 5 days to read the entire series so I think it is pretty safe to say we aren't dealing with foundation shaking literature here.

For anyone who has never read the book but intends to, you should probably stop reading here. In case you are slow that was your spoiler alert.

I knew a lot of the problems with the book going into it thanks to Lori and Papercuts but I turned off the part of my brain that listens to them and decided to judge the book on its own merit. After all they were (sorta) wrong about Eragon.

Lets start with my biggest problem a certain irritating twit named Bella Swan. I actually wished I was a fictional character so I could eat her. I don't even have to be a vampire I would go cannibal just to silence her constant whining. So yeah she is whiny did I also mention she is stupid? How about her serious Daddy issues?

"Oh I'm SO in love with Edward. I love the way he bosses me around, never lets me out of his sight, and sneaks into my house without my knowledge to watch me sleep. It makes me feel so safe and secure and loved." ok that's the end of my swooning Bella impression, but really her psycho vampire boyfriend does these things and she is cool with it. She is everything I hate about female leads. Bella is dependant, whiny, needy, insecure, and helpless and even worse she was created by a woman.

Edward come here a moment please. Surely you didn't think it was only Bella I had issues with. You are my second biggest issue with the piece of fiction. I can get that you don't wanna eat humans and sacrifice to save them. That's cool and even kind of endearing but you are also a psychotic control freak. Any man treated me the way you treated Bella and I would smack him into the next state (or province) with a restraining order. What vampires can ignore them? Well then I guess I would just to have my shape shifting friend deliver the message. Oh and what is with the virgin thing? I mean I get you not wanting to break Bella and all so I can see holding out on her but surely in the 99 years you have been trapped in the body of a 17 year old boy you stumbled across at least ONE promiscuous vampire girl. I mean from what I gathered you are hot enough to melt solid rock and you have women both mortal and immortal throwing themselves at you like groupies and you abstain because? Oh yeah because you are old fashioned .... no wait they had premarital sex back then too hence the gunshot weddings. Sorry you are not a believable character for me either.

NEXT .....................................

With the notable exception of Alice the rest of the coven seems to just stand around and with their turn to be useful to the plot. I mean for three books Rose was about as fleshed out a character as the dining room table.

Now on to the technical side.

You know I can swallow the whole daytime vampire thing as soon as I pointed out to myself that I had made the (IMO inexcusable) mistake of confusing vampire lore with Dracula lore. Yeah Dracula could be destroyed by sun and holy relics and a whole bunch of other things but vampire lore is much older than that and varies throughout the world. Most of us are familiar with the European version so that is what we set all our preconceived notions about vampires by but it is not all there is out there and in much lore they are simply nocturnal the same way an owl is not because they CAN'T go out during the day but because they don't wanna. Why they had to sparkle though is beyond me.

Stephanie Myers writing though is a different story all together. She is NOT a gifted writer and she does not make up for this short coming by being a spell binding story teller. Her story is very linear with many characters being two dimensional until it is their turn to take the spot light. She abuses, the, comma in a , way I haven't, seen since second, grade. For a while I though speech impediments ran rampant in the town of forks. I mean if I put all those pauses in the conversation there was no other assumption to make. well that's not true I could have assumed she lacked technical finesse AND that her editor is an idiot both of which would have been correct. I actually honest to go almost threw the book after reading this

Hey, Edward. Skipping, Bella?


Sometimes she changes tenses in the middle of a sentence or from singular to plural. I shut my eyes and shook my head to clear it but the evidence was still there when I was done.

So yeah all that annoyed me but do you wanna know what the worst part was?

I read three full books and part of a fourth (over 600 pages) full of mistakes that a 10 year old would catch. I did my best to swallow that a woman not suffering from munchausen syndrome could seriously fall in love with the vampire stalker. I even did some of my own research so that I could read about a vampire going to school during the day without getting a side stick from laughter.

I did all this for two reason

1. I hoped Bella would eventually get eaten
2. I knew the sex was coming.

Well I was wrong on one *tear* but number two was looking promising. Edward promised to have sex with her while she was human as long as they were married. Like a good little puppet she went along with what she wanted and then came the honey moon. FINALLY this book gets a redeeming quality ------------------------ WTF do you mean it's the next morning? I spent 600 pages in purgatory and I don't get ANY details? How did you get those bruises? What happened to the poor pillows? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SO not fair.

In review:
The book was poorly written.
The characters were unbelievable.
There was no sex.
There was minimal violence.

Since I would hate to end 2008 with THAT literary catastrophe I am reading some Steven King now. "The Dead Zone" has to be better.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Comma abuse

Comma abuse is right up there with apostrophe abuse when it comes to things I can't stand to see in a book I am reading. It is only bested by seeing the word alot in a professionally published book.

I mean do there people not have books proofread before they are published? I recently showed a few sentences from New Moon to an eight year old and she immediately spotted the incorrect comma usage. That is pretty sad IMO that an eight year old caught it but some overpaid editor who probably has a degree in this shit can't manage to figure out there should not be 2 commas in a 5 word sentence. Brilliant.

New moon doesn't abuse apostrophes but lost of other books do. Apparently it is hard to remember 5th grade language arts.

Oh and there is some horrid sentence structure in the Twilight series as well. To the point that sometimes I had to read a sentence three times to be sure of what she meant.

If it was a blog I was reading or an email or even just a letter someone wrote me I probably would not even notice there flaws but I find I am seeing A LOT of them in recently published books as if both authors and editors have forgotten the basic rules.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Write what you know ???????????

Boy I remember hearing that many times when I was just starting out with vague ambitions of maybe someday being published. It was something I was never good at because the sentence sounds so damn literal. I rejected it flat out and after many failed attempts at the great Canadian novel I have finally figured out what it means.

I have two work in progress now and writing them feels like 'coming home' yes I am still struggling with trying to avoid adverb abuse, and where to split chapters and what is needed info and what is useless background information but that is on the technical side. On the creative side where stories are born things are just flowing ...... maybe too well.

I have found this is especially true in my second project as I started to write the opening scene. I have been grappling with it for a few weeks never sure how much detail to put it, how vague to be, and worrying it would traumatize someone. Problem is the book opens with date rape and I had it butchered trying not to be to graphic until I realized that date rape (well all rape for that matter) IS graphic and horrendous and if it makes people uncomfortable to read about it then that is a good thing because it also gives victims a voice.

So as I started to write it I realized there is value to writing what you know and that writing what you know does not mean you have to be autobiographical it just means putting your own voice, experience, and emotions into your characters.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

What's in a name?

I hate naming things. I have a cat named King Kong because I delegated the task to a three year old. Naming my children was harder than birthing them. I don't name plants because well A) it's weird and B) I suck at it.

So I am trying to name a girl in a new project I started today and ARGH! No name seems right. I can't go name her Bertha or something because she is supposed to be hot as rocks and yet all the sexy names I can come up with seem wrong for a 16 year old girl.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My Inferiority complex

Since Lori is showing me up in the writing department I decided it was time to get down to business and take a day off from using my screen time to read Sins and get some more words on paper/screen.

My biggest issue is when transferring work from one medium to the other I tend to edit in the process and that slows me up.

I am however making slow but steady progress. Once I learned to read my own hand writing I had to convert my short hand scribbles into coherent story. I think tequila may have helped with this but alas I have none.

Santa can you bring me an extra 3 hours a day of quiet?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I prefer the devil you don't

I have heard many people say "better the devil you know than the devil you don't" I have decided that is just a cliche used to avoid making necessary changes in you life because I really preferred the devil I didn't know.

When I first moved to my current town I thought it was lovely, I lived here 2 years thinking people were nice, and friendly, and compared to my home town OH SO normal. Then I took a job at a corner store and figured out this town is full of Alcoholics who like to drive around drunk, wife beaters, pot heads (which I can deal with) and perverts.

Now I have always believed a dirty mind is a wonderful thing BUT I prefer to save my lewd comments for those willing to listen to them. The people I have met around here just creep me out and have made me consider painting my windows black.

Also I live in a good sized community but every pervert I encounter knows where I live. If it was just one or two I would assume they were the problem but since it is a dozen or more that have told me where I live (and I have never been more specific than up the street) I assume I must be the problem and have a perv magnet in me.

Seriously I was happier living in oblivion where I didn't have panic attacks in the night and want to make sure the door was locked.

Writing has all but come to a stand still lately between time constraints and reading but I am hoping to get another chapter or two done on Monday while I have an empty house. I have a billion quick notes that I need to transcribe into long hand so very little creative juice will be needed just grunt work.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

making friends

HMM I have empty screen syndrome. That is when I look at my screen and everything I wanted to say just flees my head (also known as ADD in some cultures)

So i figured if I just start writing something would come to me. So far all that came to me was a snotty kid and a hungry cat. I mean that literally I have been interrupted twice in the time it took to type this.

I am going to my husbands work party next weekend. That should be good for me I guess as I really need to make friends. I have a grand total of one friend who does not live either in another part of the country or in my computer. I used to have lots but they all annoy the shit out of me now.

I like my online friends because I can turn them off and blame it on my comp. Don't look at me like that I KNOW you have wished people in your life came with a mute button.

So I am putting myself out there and seeing if I can meet someone with friend potential. I have strict criteria though so it may be hard.


1) you must be articulate. I am not asking for Shakespeare but you should at least be able to tell a story without making me want to puncture my own ear drums.

2) you must be educated and have a desire to learn. I don't mean you have to have a degree from Harvard law but you should at least understand how time zones work and not really think that a channel is getting our weather wrong because they are an hour in the past (seriously run into this) I am also not interested in spending my time with someone who will never think outside their own narrow experience.

3) You must not be judgemental. I have no use for anyone who is going to write me off for having a kid without even knowing how old I am. Regardless of how I look I am NOT 16 and there is nothing wrong with my having a six year old.

So really that is not a lot to ask yet it has been years since I have found anyone I want to spend More than 20 mins with.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Take some paxil and leave me alone

when things go bad in my life (and they usually do) I always try to remind myself that it could be worse, I generally do this to other people too. For example if my husband comes home complaining about his boss I will point out that it could be worse, he could have gangrene in his right testicle. Now of course this does nothing to rectify the situation at hand but it does get his mind off his issue so I do understand how this can be a helpful tool in pulling yourself out of a funk.

What I DON'T get is why when people try to think of a way it could be worse they always need to to compare it to me.

ex. A friend of mine is humongously pregnant and having a hard time moving around. I know this sucks I have BTDT and I was empathizing with her when all of a sudden she says "well it could be worse you know at least the baby is healthy, lord knows I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with your pregnancies"

Now could someone please tell me WTF my abysmal pregnancy luck has to do with her being fat and uncomfortable?

Or when someones kid is giving them a hard time and they complain they will follow it up with "well I guess I really have nothing to complain about because at least I have all my kids with me" again WTF does my loosing a child have to do with your kid stabbing someone with a thumb tack?

Mad at your family 'oh well I am better off than Melisa who doesn't see her family often'

Really I am glad to know that reminding me of my misery can help you to feel better but I would really like to resign my post as the totem pole you compare your craptastic life to when you want to feel better. Why not just pop a paxil like everyone else when you need to feel better and leave me out of it.

Can anyone recommend some good emo music I can wallow to?