Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Twilight is over, so is 2008

I finished book four of the series last night. It took me 5 days to read the entire series so I think it is pretty safe to say we aren't dealing with foundation shaking literature here.

For anyone who has never read the book but intends to, you should probably stop reading here. In case you are slow that was your spoiler alert.

I knew a lot of the problems with the book going into it thanks to Lori and Papercuts but I turned off the part of my brain that listens to them and decided to judge the book on its own merit. After all they were (sorta) wrong about Eragon.

Lets start with my biggest problem a certain irritating twit named Bella Swan. I actually wished I was a fictional character so I could eat her. I don't even have to be a vampire I would go cannibal just to silence her constant whining. So yeah she is whiny did I also mention she is stupid? How about her serious Daddy issues?

"Oh I'm SO in love with Edward. I love the way he bosses me around, never lets me out of his sight, and sneaks into my house without my knowledge to watch me sleep. It makes me feel so safe and secure and loved." ok that's the end of my swooning Bella impression, but really her psycho vampire boyfriend does these things and she is cool with it. She is everything I hate about female leads. Bella is dependant, whiny, needy, insecure, and helpless and even worse she was created by a woman.

Edward come here a moment please. Surely you didn't think it was only Bella I had issues with. You are my second biggest issue with the piece of fiction. I can get that you don't wanna eat humans and sacrifice to save them. That's cool and even kind of endearing but you are also a psychotic control freak. Any man treated me the way you treated Bella and I would smack him into the next state (or province) with a restraining order. What vampires can ignore them? Well then I guess I would just to have my shape shifting friend deliver the message. Oh and what is with the virgin thing? I mean I get you not wanting to break Bella and all so I can see holding out on her but surely in the 99 years you have been trapped in the body of a 17 year old boy you stumbled across at least ONE promiscuous vampire girl. I mean from what I gathered you are hot enough to melt solid rock and you have women both mortal and immortal throwing themselves at you like groupies and you abstain because? Oh yeah because you are old fashioned .... no wait they had premarital sex back then too hence the gunshot weddings. Sorry you are not a believable character for me either.

NEXT .....................................

With the notable exception of Alice the rest of the coven seems to just stand around and with their turn to be useful to the plot. I mean for three books Rose was about as fleshed out a character as the dining room table.

Now on to the technical side.

You know I can swallow the whole daytime vampire thing as soon as I pointed out to myself that I had made the (IMO inexcusable) mistake of confusing vampire lore with Dracula lore. Yeah Dracula could be destroyed by sun and holy relics and a whole bunch of other things but vampire lore is much older than that and varies throughout the world. Most of us are familiar with the European version so that is what we set all our preconceived notions about vampires by but it is not all there is out there and in much lore they are simply nocturnal the same way an owl is not because they CAN'T go out during the day but because they don't wanna. Why they had to sparkle though is beyond me.

Stephanie Myers writing though is a different story all together. She is NOT a gifted writer and she does not make up for this short coming by being a spell binding story teller. Her story is very linear with many characters being two dimensional until it is their turn to take the spot light. She abuses, the, comma in a , way I haven't, seen since second, grade. For a while I though speech impediments ran rampant in the town of forks. I mean if I put all those pauses in the conversation there was no other assumption to make. well that's not true I could have assumed she lacked technical finesse AND that her editor is an idiot both of which would have been correct. I actually honest to go almost threw the book after reading this

Hey, Edward. Skipping, Bella?


Sometimes she changes tenses in the middle of a sentence or from singular to plural. I shut my eyes and shook my head to clear it but the evidence was still there when I was done.

So yeah all that annoyed me but do you wanna know what the worst part was?

I read three full books and part of a fourth (over 600 pages) full of mistakes that a 10 year old would catch. I did my best to swallow that a woman not suffering from munchausen syndrome could seriously fall in love with the vampire stalker. I even did some of my own research so that I could read about a vampire going to school during the day without getting a side stick from laughter.

I did all this for two reason

1. I hoped Bella would eventually get eaten
2. I knew the sex was coming.

Well I was wrong on one *tear* but number two was looking promising. Edward promised to have sex with her while she was human as long as they were married. Like a good little puppet she went along with what she wanted and then came the honey moon. FINALLY this book gets a redeeming quality ------------------------ WTF do you mean it's the next morning? I spent 600 pages in purgatory and I don't get ANY details? How did you get those bruises? What happened to the poor pillows? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SO not fair.

In review:
The book was poorly written.
The characters were unbelievable.
There was no sex.
There was minimal violence.

Since I would hate to end 2008 with THAT literary catastrophe I am reading some Steven King now. "The Dead Zone" has to be better.


  1. FIVE DAYS? Jesus. It takes me a fortnight at least to get through each book!

  2. LOL I don't read books apparently I devour them.

  3. I'm usually a fast reader; 115 books this year so far and it's slow for me, especially given that I've had WEEKS in '08 where I've read nothing. But New Moon especially DRAGGED. I think it was all that whining put me off.

    Ah well. Here's hoping I'll get my mojo back in '09. Somewhere between 120-150 is normal for me.

    Race you! :D